How Can My Ex Move On So Quickly?

One of the things that makes heartbreak worse is seeing your ex move on, and this can be compounded when it seems to be so quick, I hear women all the time say ‘How can he get engaged already, we are not even divorced yet’ or ‘How can he be living with her and saying he’s in love when he only told me he loved me last week?’ It makes you feel replaced, worthless and as though your life with your ex was worthless and had no value to them.

When a relationship ends one or both of the parties has already checked out of the relationship, the person that ended the relationship decided months ago that they had had enough and they were going to leave, emotionally they detached from you when they made that decision and Yes, its horrible to hear but when they were still telling you they loved you that was out of habit and not wanting to hurt your feelings, or not being quite ready to end it all, and this is how they are able to seemingly move on so quick, they started the process months ago and are further along the road than you are… it doesn’t mean they loved you less or the relationship meant less, it just means they went through the process earlier than you… they are further along the queue and no matter how unfair this seems or how hurtful it feels it will not change.

The one thing you can do to help yourself with this part of the break up is to stop comparing your journey with your ex’s, stop stalking their Instagram and their Facebook, stop looking at their pictures or logging into anything that you have passwords for and you know you shouldn’t be looking at, I know its hard, but its the only way to stop torturing yourself. Let me tell you now, in no uncertain terms…. You are NEVER going to see the status, or get the information that you want…. NEVER! Would you feel better if you saw a status from your ex that said he was miserable and wished he was back with you? No – you’d feel angry and frustrated that he’s put you through so much crap for nothing… Do you feel better when you see a status about how happy he is, that he’s never know love like he has now? Of Course not, that just makes you feel worthless… but the truth is they probably are happier than ever, we all feel that way when we are with someone new, we all want to think that this new relationship is THE ONE, the Utopia we’ve been looking for because NO ONE wants to ever believe that they screwed up in the past and got it wrong… you’ll never meet anyone in a relationship that says the one they are in is not as good as the last one, otherwise they wouldn’t be in it!

They key is don’t stalk your ex, it will give you nothing but pain and will never give you the answers you are looking for and they will never give you the closure you want, the only way you can do that is to get comfortable with not knowing ALL the answers… it happened, you did NOT fail, the relationship broke, often because of a million different things and some time in the future you will be able to identify those myriad of small things and you will be able to learn from them to make a future relationship better but you cannot go back and fix it… walk away with your head up…

 

When you are ready to start your next chapter, come join my Facebook Page – Conquer Heartbreak where you can get some great tips and ideas about moving on… https://www.facebook.com/groups/ConquerHeartbreak/

 

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Back and Forth….

One of the worst things about a break up is the uncertainty and the hope that you feel about whether you can work things out and maybe get back together.

The constant uncertainty gives control to the other person and gives them power over to you that keeps you in a limbo state for as long as they want,  and if you’ve been together a long time then there is uncertainty on their part as well,  they like to keep you dangling so you can be a plan b just in case things don’t work out…

The truth is,  as long as you stay in this powerless limbo state,  the longer it will be until you stay to heal and then move forward.

It is essential you take back control and make decisions about your future for yourself,  not leave it up to anyone else to decide.  If your partner has decided they want to be with someone else, decide right now that actually, you don’t want them back if they’ve cheated on you. If your partner has said they no longer love, make the decision yourself that that’s it, you refuse to be with someone that doesn’t not love you like you love them, refuse to lower your standards, you are better than that and when you make your own decisions about the future it takes away the limbo and gives you confidence and empowers you.

Whenever you have thoughts that begin with the word maybe you are denying the truth…. do you think to yourself

Maybe they still love me, maybe they will come back,  maybe they will love me again, maybe they’ll realise they still want to be with me,  maybe it’s just a phase…

Anything that starts with maybe is denial…

Get back control over your own destiny,  make the decisions for yourself and start your recovery…..

When you are ready to start your next chapter, come join my Facebook Page – Conquer Heartbreak where you can get some great tips and ideas about moving on… https://www.facebook.com/groups/ConquerHeartbreak

 

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Where in the Heartbreak Cycle Are You?

Women often want to know how long they are going to feel miserable and sad, and although there isn’t a definite time for each stage there is a cycle of heartbreak that you need to go through in order to come out the other end transformed and thriving. If you know what the stages are then I believe you can address them and move on to the next stage quicker so that you are ‘Over Him’ quicker and able to move on with your next amazing chapter…

There are 6 Stages :-

Shock and Denial – Many women genuinely believed they had a happy marriage before they heard the devastating words ‘I want a divorce’ or ‘I don’t love you anymore’ It hits you like a truck and even if you knew things weren’t great its still a massive shock to hear its over, its shattering and impossible to believe, in fact many people pretend it hasn’t happened and refuse to believe its over.

Anger – Once the information has suck in we are angry because our egos have taken a firm thump, We feel rejected, hurt and our self-talk at this stage is all about how we are not worthy of love, not good enough for the other person, no thin enough, young enough etc. These thoughts are especially true when they admit to cheating or wanting to be with someone else, we ask ourselves ‘whats so good about them and why are they better than me?’ You can learn to release the anger in a healthy way.

Bargaining and Haggling – This stage can go on and on, for months, even years, we go back and forth making different offers to change and sort things out. You are still love with you other half at this stage and you want everything to just return to normal, back how it was. Unfortunately at this point your other half may even offer you breadcrumbs of hope, the break up may be difficult for them as well and they don’t want to hurt you but they DO still want to break up, those breadcrumbs they offer you are doing you no favours. At this stage you need to get in control and cut loose, otherwise this stage will just go on and on and only damage you further.

Grief/Loss – At this stage you have accepted the relationship is over and you know you need to move on, even if you don’t know HOW to move on at this stage. You need to come up with a plan to move on, otherwise you can get stuck in this phase for a long time and it can become habit to feel down and sad…. Get up, get out and get moving…

Moving On – This is where you get going with your moving on plan, you start thinking about the future in terms of just you, you may have even started dating and seeing other people.

FREEDOM – This is the ultimate goal, the bit where you are no longer affected by your ex, the opposite to love is indifference, you are now indifferent to your ex, who they see and what they do no longer affects you…. you are FREE!

If you need help with moving through the stages of Breakup then come join my Facebook Page – Conquer Heartbreak where you can get some great tips and ideas about moving on… https://www.facebook.com/groups/ConquerHeartbreak/

 

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Coping With Loneliness

More than anything else I hear how lonely people are after they have broken up with someone. For me it was evenings and weekends, I had lots of dogs that I could walk during the day and for some reason during the week there always seemed plenty to do but weekends and evenings used to stretch out before me and I dreaded them.

I knew I was going to be lonely at weekends so I started to plan for them and in the end I looked forward to them, you just need to be brave to take the first steps. The VERY worst thing you can do is sit still… it makes you think about your problems over and over again, you have to get moving because when you are moving it stops you thinking, and when you are moving forward it stops you from looking backwards, and one of the keys to moving on quickly is making future plans.

I know you wont WANT to do anything because you will tell me you don’t want to do them on your own but give it a go, trust me, not only is it much easier than you think but its almost much more enjoyable as well. Did you ever go somewhere with your ex and hate the whole day because you argued or barely talked ? Well now you can do things just to please yourself, and you WILL enjoy it.

When I was newly single I was convinced that everyone would pretty much point at me and stare, like I had a giant sign to say I was single and sad… they didn’t, no one took a blind bit of notice that I was on my own. At first I went to the local supermarket, got food I really liked and my ex didn’t, I would get all the ingredients for a really lovely dish that I knew I would enjoy and go home and cook it and enjoy it.

Go out to somewhere you love, like a favourite beach, mountain or wood, take your camera and try and take some great photos of a place you really enjoy, stop at a coffee shop and have a drink and cake or something to eat, if being on your own puts you off make sure you always have a book to read, or a notebook to write in, I used to make notes about my day or write a shopping list or a bucket list.

Join a gym, go to an antique or trade fair, go to an art exhibition or museum – no one notices you are on your own at those places, people are too busy doing their own thing. Visit some local architecture, go to a town or city you’ve never been to before.

Volunteer! This is a great one for realising actually how well off you are even when you are feeling alone and miserable, if you volunteer for the homeless or the aged, just commit to a couple of hours a week you will turn your loneliness into gratitude because there are always people worse off that you are. If you like animals then go to the local rescue centre and volunteer to take the dogs for walks or give them a groom. If you are into sports then volunteer to steward at events, such as race marshalling for marathons etc. Not only will you be part of a team and feel like you are involved but it will also get you back into the swing of meeting new people and talking to new people. When you are feeling lonely you don’t have to be on your own, that is a choice.

Other great ways to relieve loneliness are :-

• SING yes that’s right, sing at the top of your voice, put your favourite happy song on and sing for all your worth, whatever you do please stay away from sad songs though, nothing by Alanis Morrisette, Nirvana or anything else that makes you feel depressed….
• DANCE – again put on some tunes you love and DANCE, if you have kids then get them up and dancing as well, I defy anyone to feel sad or lonely when you are dancing….
• Visit a friend or relative you haven’t seen in ages
• Go to the cinema, once again, trust me no one cares if you are on your own. By the biggest pot of popcorn or bag of sweets and watch a film, preferably something funny or empowering.
• Plan a trip or vacation that you’ve been longing to do
• Rearrange your furniture, plan a big decorating project in your home.
• Start planning a future, get a beautiful notebook and plan what your life will look like in 1 year, 5 years and 10 years. When we look to the future it stops us looking to the past and makes us look forward, this is where you need to focus on right now.

Loneliness can be overwhelming and debilitating, the key thing is to get up and start DOING. Just decide to take one small step towards doing something, and then another and then another, if you do that then the loneliness will pass and you will feel more and more empowered and self-confident every day. When we stop moving we start things and dwelling on our thoughts and emotions and get stuck in the feelings.

So, whats your next chapter going to be? Are you going to stay in Heartbreak Hell or is this the first step to your transformation? When you decide Transformation come into my Facebook Group and get more tips and motivation to move forward. https://www.facebook.com/groups/ConquerHeartbreak/

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Can You Ever be Happy Again?

Well the quick answer to this question is Yes! When my long term relationship went down the pan, I’d been with the guy for 17 years, most of my adult life and I found it impossible to believe that I would be happy again, I just didn’t think I could because there was no way I would ever get over this, I would never get over him or feel better…. But you do, you do get over someone no matter how long you were with them or how much you loved them and you DO move on, the only thing stopping it happening is you…

One day I woke up and I realised that I hadn’t been out and seen anyone in days, I wasn’t looking after myself, and it wasn’t my ex that was doing those things to me, it was me. I’d had enough, I’d had enough of feeling low and miserable and barely functioning and decided enough was enough.

I took a shower (to be honest that had been a while), washed and styled my hair, did my make up, got dressed in clean and nice clothes, got in the car and went out… this was a big deal for me because I wanted to just stay in my house and never see the world again but once I was out I actually started to feel better. I did some shopping and talked to people like a NORMAL person, it had been a while since I’d felt normal and no one treated me like I was unwanted or unloved, which is how I’d been feeling, they treated me like a happy, nice, attractive, individual….

There was a time, before my ex, that I was a happy go lucky, fun person to be with, men used to ask me out and I dated and had fun. That was all before my ex, before I even knew he existed and that was who I was, that is STILL who I am. My extra years have made me wiser, taught me more about people and made me able to spot the players more and taught me more than I ever thought I’d learn about myself, but inside I’m still me, I just needed to bring it to the surface again…

When you are ready to start your next chapter, come join my Facebook Page – Conquer Heartbreak where you can get some great tips and ideas about moving on… https://www.facebook.com/groups/ConquerHeartbreak/

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