The only way to get over someone and move on is to stop looking backwards…

You can’t get over someone and move on if you are constantly looking back at the relationship that didn’t work out. The worst message I receive from women, the most heart-breaking ones are the ones from women that broke up with their ex 3, 5 or even 10 years ago and they are still utterly heartbroken and miserable – this breaks MY heart because I do not believe a single man on this earth is worth being miserable for, for that long, seriously, no one on this planet is worth that many tears… the men in question have probably completely moved on with their life and its all in the past and these women are still living in the past.

You CANNOT get on with your life by constantly going over the relationship in minute detail, dissecting the relationship piece by piece will serve no purpose at all, you will NEVER find the answers you are looking for and whilst you are looking for the reasons it all went wrong you are missing out on YOUR life…

The sooner you start focusing on YOUR future and YOUR life ahead then the sooner you will get over your ex, fill your diary with things you like doing, people you like to socialise with and places you want to go, get that diary jam packed because the more you have planned to do the less you will feel lonely and the faster you will move on.

Remember the things you enjoyed doing as a child? Start doing them again. When I found myself ALONE WHEN MY EX LEFT I remembered that I used to love drawing and painting, I joined an art class and made friends and when I needed something to do I found a lovely scene somewhere and sat and painted, the time spent just focusing on what I was doing and doing something for myself that I’d not done for years was heavenly.

Plan trips and days out, have you ever noticed when you go to the beach or museum how many people there are there that are on their own and single? No? You haven’t noticed? Well that’s because no one else has noticed either because NO ONE cares! We all think we go about with a neon sign over our head that says we’re on our own, and there’s plenty of couples at these places looking at you on your own enjoying yourself and their wishing they had gone by themselves…

Rediscover who you are, what you enjoy and what makes you THRIVE…and do more of it!

 

 

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Loneliness or Independence? Its Your Choice…

One of the things I regularly hear from women is that they just don’t know HOW to be on their own, they’ve spent decades putting someone else first that now its just themselves to think about and it can feel overwhelming and lonely and scary, but it doesn’t have to be.

I was with my partner 17 years, and before that I was married to a guy I had met when I was 17, so from the age of 17 until I was 38 I had been in a relationship and wasn’t used to being on my own or putting myself first. So when my partner left me (for someone else that he’d been seeing some time) I just didn’t know how to be me, just me on my own. All of a sudden I had to worry about money (I went from a life of relative luxury to being virtually penniless), I had to look after a very old and big house on my own, 20 dogs (I bred and showed them)  and I lived in the middle of nowhere and desperately needed transport (my lovely car was of course in his name and removed). So not only did I have my heartbreak to come to terms with but also a whole new way of living…

I was a vegetarian, my ex was not. I remember deciding to make myself a meal because I wasn’t really eating properly and that needed to change so I leafed through some cook books, found something I really liked the look of and decided to spend the afternoon making myself a really nice meal. It occurred to me whilst doing it that it was refreshing that I wasn’t going to have the usual row over the food because it was vegetarian, it was a revelation to me that actually I could now eat whatever the hell I wanted…never again was I going to hear the words “I’m not eating that crap”… I actually remember smiling to myself, the first smile in weeks, but it was a genuine smile….

In so many ways, my life had suddenly got better, less stressful, less controversial, less argumentative… it had become more relaxed. I could dress how I wanted, I could spend the day in my pyjamas or I could dress up and look lovely without having to explain where I was going or what I was going to do, I could choose to do whatever I wanted.

For decades, whenever I had had money it seemed that there was a need for it for something, if I had a lump sum then there was mysteriously a large bill that needed to be paid and it was gone. But now, when I earnt the money, it was up to me what I did with it, should I go on holiday, buy a new outfit without having to smuggle it into the wardrobe and say I’ve had it for ages, it was my money to do with what I wanted.

Of course with making your own decisions you sometimes make wrong ones, I bought a new car, new for me anyway, it broke down several times a month and ended up costing me a fortune but it was a learning experience and I got to know the guys at the local garage really well, so well in fact that they recommended a car to me that they were taking in part exchange and that little car lasted me years and years and was absolutely brilliant.

So, alongside making your own decision comes responsibility for those decisions, and that can sometimes feel overwhelming. One of my hardest decisions was making the decision to rehome some of my beloved dogs, I did not have the finances or the time to keep them all on my own, and I had to decide who went and who stayed, it was painful and my heart broke again, even though they all went to amazing homes. Living on your own can be lonely, or you can view it as living independently, and that is empowering… it takes courage to choose your own path and destiny, but when you do I guarantee you will never go back., once you get used to having complete control over your own life it is a buzz, you grow in confidence and your self esteem growns every single day…

Yes you are on your own but YES you are INDEPENDENT and AWESOME – You Got This!

When you are ready to start your next chapter, come join my Facebook Page –  where you can get some great tips and ideas about moving on… https://www.facebook.com/groups/ConquerHeartbreak/

 

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I’m Glad I’m No Longer With Him But Why Do I Still Feel Sad?

A client said to me the other day ” I know I’m better off without him, I’m happier than I’ve been for ages without him, so why am I still so sad sometimes?” Its particularly difficult at special times, such as Birthdays, Anniversaries, Holidays etc. the feelings seem to come flooding back and you feel like you’ve made no progress at all. Its important to recognise these feelings for what they are, they are grief, grief for the image that you had in your head that is never going to happen, and that’s ok to grieve that but just because it wont happen as you had it all planned in your head doesn’t mean that it wont happen at all…

When you got married, you, me and everyone else took our vows thinking that it was definitely going to last forever, from an early age we are sold the romantic story of boy meets girl, falls in love, and lives happily forever more… the only difference to each story is whether they have children, grandchildren, pets, house in the country or city etc… the story is basically the same for all of us and not a single one of us went into our marriage thinking that it was going to end in divorce, we were always going to be the ones that made it!

As part of our story we all dreamt what we would do on our Anniversary, what trips we would take and places we would go, our dreams put meat on the basic story and we fell in love with the dream, that why when it all comes crashing down it is so hard to let go of. We are not just letting go of the man we married, quite often we can see that we are better off with them because they didn’t treat us well, maybe cheated on us etc, but that DREAM, its just so hard to let go of because it made us feel safe and secure and we knew what was coming in the future… and now we don’t.

Although it doesn’t feel like it right now, the dream is still there, you can still travel, still have anniversaries, still celebrate birthdays, the story is the same, it just has different people playing the leading roles, and that’s ok, sometimes (ok, almost always!) the replacements are much better than the originals because you learn what to look for this time, you go for an upgrade and the person playing the leading role turns out to do it way better than you ever thought possible, in fact you end up wondering why you spent so long thinking that everything was ok, how did you not see that there was better to come?

To get you to that point make sure that you prepare days that you know will be difficult, your birthday, his birthday, anniversary etc… all those significant days that you would have normally celebrated with your other half, prepare and enjoy on your own. You can arrange a night out with friends, go somewhere you’ve always fancied going or do something that you always enjoyed but your ex didn’t, go to an art gallery etc. Do something special, just for you. I always liked to by new bedding on days I knew would be tough, I’d put it on the bed in the morning and then I actually relished going to bed on my own so that I could enjoy my new crisp sheets and bedding….ahhh bliss! Even to this day, if I know I’m going to have a difficult day or have to go to bed on my own I make the bed all clean and fresh so that I enjoy going to bed rather than dread spending the night on my own. You could prepare yourself a favourite meal, just because you are on your own doesn’t mean you can’t eat well…

Yes, things seem crap right now, so be sad about your anniversary for the day, and then tomorrow get up, put on a smile and KNOW, body and soul that the best chapter of your life is yet to come….

When you are ready to start your next chapter, come join my Facebook Page – Conquer Heartbreak where you can get some great tips and ideas about moving on… https://www.facebook.com/groups/ConquerHeartbreak/

 

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Creating Calm from the Chaos….

One of the biggest problems for me when going through my break-up was the fact that I constantly felt like my fate was in someone else’s hands. My ex had made the decision that we were over after 17 years together, he worked away during the week and always came home at weekends and then one weekend he wasn’t coming back and we were over… my world was suddenly in turmoil because I genuinely didn’t know how to NOT be with him – we’d been together 17 years, most of my adult life.. how was I supposed to be just me? I lived in the house we bought together, we had a house together before that one which we sold and put the profit into this one, and because he was earning plenty of money it was easier to get the mortgage in just his name, after all we were going to be together for the rest of our lives, it was fine….. As it happens it wasn’t fine, because we never married (we were engaged but never got round to the actual wedding bit) I was entitled to nothing… the house I’d lived in for 15 years, the house I considered my forever home was no longer mine and I was threatened almost on a weekly basis that I was going to be thrown out.

At the time I bred and showed dogs, that was my income and my passion, I had about 15 dogs at the time and if I had to move finding a new place would be impossible.

Every week I was told that I had to move out, I was constantly threatened that he was going to move back and wanted me out, the fact that he had always hated the place because of its remoteness (something I loved) seemed to have no bearing on his actions anymore… I was now surplus to requirements and need to be gone…  This period last years, I sunk lower and lower and my self esteem hit rock bottom.

One day I was walking my dogs, I was so depressed that I sunk to my knees, it was freezing cold and I was ready to just stay there until I was no more… that was rock bottom for me, it suddenly hit me that I was so low and miserable not because of something that I’ve done but because of someone else, someone deciding that I wasn’t good enough, and at that point I realised that How DARE someone have this much control over me? How DARE someone have so much influence on me that my life is not worthy without them, the thought to me was obscene! I was worth so much MORE than that…  I walked the dogs back home and decided that enough was enough, I was not going to wait every week for someone to say where I could live and wait for my fate, I would take control and decide these things for myself…

I knew that getting a place of my own would be pretty much impossible with all my dogs so I started to look for fabulous homes for some of them. I adored my animals but financially things were very tough and they deserved better so I rehomed quite a few of my dogs and although heartbreaking it was the right decision for me and them. I then got rid of the car that my ex was paying for me – again the threats of losing it were too much so it went and I bought something for me, something with my name on it that no one could take from me.

I then started to look at places I could live, I knew there was no way I could stay in my home so it was time to go, I would move… and once I had made the decision it was like a weight was lifted off me, I was no longer someones puppet, I no longer had to be nice to someone because I was too scared of the consequences, I no longer had to worry that someone might turn up at my home and walk in…

Its really tough breaking up with someone, the hurt, the anger, the loneliness can feel overwhelming… but there is a way forward, and that way is to start a new chapter in your life, and the choice to do that is all in your hands, no one elses….

 

When you are ready to start your next chapter, come join my Facebook Page – Conquer Heartbreak where you can get some great tips and ideas about moving on… https://www.facebook.com/groups/ConquerHeartbreak/

 

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How could he just stop loving me overnight?

Well the truth is, he didn’t, it wasn’t one SINGLE thing that you did, it wasn’t one wrong thing that you said, he just stopped loving you over time, and generally people in unhappy marriages start to look for solutions before they leave that marriage or talk to their partner and that’s the cold hard truth about it, because often the solution they find is to be with someone else.

Yes, he may have told you last week that he loved you and then this week that he’s leaving you – but he just wasn’t ready to have the conversation last week.
It really hurts when someone stops wanting to be with you, and many of us are with someone decades and we think that’s our life forever, so it comes as a massive shock., but its not your fault, its not you that has changed, his priorities changed and you and your relationship are no longer the priority.

I often get asked how the ex can be so cold and horrible and so mean? Its because that’s easy – for a man a row with you just enforces to himself that he’s made the right decision (I’m saying man but it can equally be a woman that is leaving and they are just the same!) Petty squabbling and what seems like behaviour that isn’t normally them is because they want to be right… no one wants to leave a long term relationship and then spend the next 20 years regretting their decision, they want to have made the right decision. Its why the new woman is declared to be the love of their life, the one they’ve always been looking for, of course they are… they can’t NOT be.

The important thing to remember is that your ex’s actions are NOT about you, they are NOT a statement about your relationship, how meaningful it was or how much they loved you or anything like that. Your ex’s actions are a direct response to the dialogue they are using for themselves about the choices they’ve made…

When you are ready to start your next chapter, come join my Facebook Page – Conquer Heartbreak where you can get some great tips and ideas about moving on… https://www.facebook.com/groups/ConquerHeartbreak/

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Forgiveness is all about You, NOT the other person…

Forgiveness is a powerful thing to help you move forward, but I often hear people say ‘I can’t forgive him, he’s ruined our family, he ruined my life’ Forgiveness is NOT about the other person, yes you are forgiving them for causing you the biggest pain you’ve probably ever been through, but you are NOT saying you are over it or that its ok.

Forgiveness was put wonderfully but the fabulous lady Oprah Winfrey, “ forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different.” .. I love that because in letting go of that hope you are then able to move forward to the future.  Forgiveness does not say that what another person did to you, or the trauma or grief or pain that you went through was OK, it was not OK, but when you forgive you stop letting that pain effect you any longer, it frees you to be able to move forward.

I often see comments about divorce years ago, people saying that they have been divorced 3 years or 5 years and still cry all the time and are lonely and cannot move forward. This is because they are engrossed in the past, their thinking is about the past and they spend all their time wishing that the past was different, unfortunately the past will NEVER change, no matter how often we think about it or cry about it, its happened, the only thing you have control over is the future and when you catch yourself thinking about the past and wishing your family was still together, you were all blissfully happy etc you will only drag yourself down.

Theres a few techniques you can do to help yo with forgiveness and letting go, the easiest one is to wrote all the bad things down, all the hurt and pain, and then read them to yourself and say, for that I forgive you… such as , the time you opened the gate to the road and threatened to let my dogs all loose if I walked away, I forgive you for that (Yes, using my own experience here) and each thing, read it, acknowledge it and forgive it…. and then set light to that piece of paper and let all the words disappear in front of your eyes, and make a promise to yourself that once the words are all gone, you will let the pain go with it…

Theres something very therapeutic about burning a piece of paper and watching it vanish, there are also a couple of really good mediations that you can do along similar lines, I’ll be exploring them in my facebook group some come on over if you are interested in learning more about letting go and moving on…, come join my Facebook Page – Conquer Heartbreak … https://www.facebook.com/groups/ConquerHeartbreak/

 

 

 

 

 

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