I’m Glad I’m No Longer With Him But Why Do I Still Feel Sad?
A client said to me the other day ” I know I’m better off without him, I’m happier than I’ve been for ages without him, so why am I still so sad sometimes?” Its particularly difficult at special times, such as Birthdays, Anniversaries, Holidays etc. the feelings seem to come flooding back and you feel like you’ve made no progress at all. Its important to recognise these feelings for what they are, they are grief, grief for the image that you had in your head that is never going to happen, and that’s ok to grieve that but just because it wont happen as you had it all planned in your head doesn’t mean that it wont happen at all…
When you got married, you, me and everyone else took our vows thinking that it was definitely going to last forever, from an early age we are sold the romantic story of boy meets girl, falls in love, and lives happily forever more… the only difference to each story is whether they have children, grandchildren, pets, house in the country or city etc… the story is basically the same for all of us and not a single one of us went into our marriage thinking that it was going to end in divorce, we were always going to be the ones that made it!
As part of our story we all dreamt what we would do on our Anniversary, what trips we would take and places we would go, our dreams put meat on the basic story and we fell in love with the dream, that why when it all comes crashing down it is so hard to let go of. We are not just letting go of the man we married, quite often we can see that we are better off with them because they didn’t treat us well, maybe cheated on us etc, but that DREAM, its just so hard to let go of because it made us feel safe and secure and we knew what was coming in the future… and now we don’t.
Although it doesn’t feel like it right now, the dream is still there, you can still travel, still have anniversaries, still celebrate birthdays, the story is the same, it just has different people playing the leading roles, and that’s ok, sometimes (ok, almost always!) the replacements are much better than the originals because you learn what to look for this time, you go for an upgrade and the person playing the leading role turns out to do it way better than you ever thought possible, in fact you end up wondering why you spent so long thinking that everything was ok, how did you not see that there was better to come?
To get you to that point make sure that you prepare days that you know will be difficult, your birthday, his birthday, anniversary etc… all those significant days that you would have normally celebrated with your other half, prepare and enjoy on your own. You can arrange a night out with friends, go somewhere you’ve always fancied going or do something that you always enjoyed but your ex didn’t, go to an art gallery etc. Do something special, just for you. I always liked to by new bedding on days I knew would be tough, I’d put it on the bed in the morning and then I actually relished going to bed on my own so that I could enjoy my new crisp sheets and bedding….ahhh bliss! Even to this day, if I know I’m going to have a difficult day or have to go to bed on my own I make the bed all clean and fresh so that I enjoy going to bed rather than dread spending the night on my own. You could prepare yourself a favourite meal, just because you are on your own doesn’t mean you can’t eat well…
Yes, things seem crap right now, so be sad about your anniversary for the day, and then tomorrow get up, put on a smile and KNOW, body and soul that the best chapter of your life is yet to come….
When you are ready to start your next chapter, come join my Facebook Page – Conquer Heartbreak where you can get some great tips and ideas about moving on… https://www.facebook.com/groups/ConquerHeartbreak/