Loneliness or Independence? Its Your Choice…
One of the things I regularly hear from women is that they just don’t know HOW to be on their own, they’ve spent decades putting someone else first that now its just themselves to think about and it can feel overwhelming and lonely and scary, but it doesn’t have to be.
I was with my partner 17 years, and before that I was married to a guy I had met when I was 17, so from the age of 17 until I was 38 I had been in a relationship and wasn’t used to being on my own or putting myself first. So when my partner left me (for someone else that he’d been seeing some time) I just didn’t know how to be me, just me on my own. All of a sudden I had to worry about money (I went from a life of relative luxury to being virtually penniless), I had to look after a very old and big house on my own, 20 dogs (I bred and showed them) and I lived in the middle of nowhere and desperately needed transport (my lovely car was of course in his name and removed). So not only did I have my heartbreak to come to terms with but also a whole new way of living…
I was a vegetarian, my ex was not. I remember deciding to make myself a meal because I wasn’t really eating properly and that needed to change so I leafed through some cook books, found something I really liked the look of and decided to spend the afternoon making myself a really nice meal. It occurred to me whilst doing it that it was refreshing that I wasn’t going to have the usual row over the food because it was vegetarian, it was a revelation to me that actually I could now eat whatever the hell I wanted…never again was I going to hear the words “I’m not eating that crap”… I actually remember smiling to myself, the first smile in weeks, but it was a genuine smile….
In so many ways, my life had suddenly got better, less stressful, less controversial, less argumentative… it had become more relaxed. I could dress how I wanted, I could spend the day in my pyjamas or I could dress up and look lovely without having to explain where I was going or what I was going to do, I could choose to do whatever I wanted.
For decades, whenever I had had money it seemed that there was a need for it for something, if I had a lump sum then there was mysteriously a large bill that needed to be paid and it was gone. But now, when I earnt the money, it was up to me what I did with it, should I go on holiday, buy a new outfit without having to smuggle it into the wardrobe and say I’ve had it for ages, it was my money to do with what I wanted.
Of course with making your own decisions you sometimes make wrong ones, I bought a new car, new for me anyway, it broke down several times a month and ended up costing me a fortune but it was a learning experience and I got to know the guys at the local garage really well, so well in fact that they recommended a car to me that they were taking in part exchange and that little car lasted me years and years and was absolutely brilliant.
So, alongside making your own decision comes responsibility for those decisions, and that can sometimes feel overwhelming. One of my hardest decisions was making the decision to rehome some of my beloved dogs, I did not have the finances or the time to keep them all on my own, and I had to decide who went and who stayed, it was painful and my heart broke again, even though they all went to amazing homes. Living on your own can be lonely, or you can view it as living independently, and that is empowering… it takes courage to choose your own path and destiny, but when you do I guarantee you will never go back., once you get used to having complete control over your own life it is a buzz, you grow in confidence and your self esteem growns every single day…
Yes you are on your own but YES you are INDEPENDENT and AWESOME – You Got This!
When you are ready to start your next chapter, come join my Facebook Page – where you can get some great tips and ideas about moving on… https://www.facebook.com/groups/ConquerHeartbreak/